“This too shall pass”

As they always say trials in life come and go. I’m glad it’s over. After all the stressful days and nights, I’m now coping up. I just don’t know why people exaggerate things and make other people’s life miserable. Instead of resolving a problem in a constructive and helpful way, some do resolve it in a destructive way. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I am now focusing on two processess which they adviced I should do for 3 months. And if there are improvements I’ll get to work the other processess assigned to me. For now I don’t want to dwell on negative things. As much as possible I have to stay relaxed and let Karma do its way. From now on, I’ll just do what I can and will never force myself to do things that I couldn’t do. I am so much thankful to my family and friends who’s been there for me as always. Who never fail to keep me happy. And most especially to God for guiding and guarding me all through the days of my life.

Inconsiderate people

Late last week I received a bad news. I committed a global error (according to them) which I received through mail. That particular process is RNS or the Regulatory News Service of UK which I do and send the entire update everyday before going home. Among the processes in our team RNS instantly appears in the product. That global error they’ve mentioned was updated on the 20th of October wherein I put a note on the Query section on the daily report we send everyday confirming if I did it right. I received the resolution on that query on the 22nd of October the same day I received the global error they’ve mentioned.

I know I’m at fault for updating that particular News though going back on that day in my understanding it was right to update it. So to be sure I did put a note to check it on that same day I updated the News. I don’t think there’s negligence on my part. What I did is I took initiative on updating the News, which would’ve been checked right away knowing RNS do appear in the product instantly.

One of my immediate Manager talked to me on the 20th, the day they informed me about the error. I have informed her and emailed her about the note I put on that update. She never sided me even a bit. She told me that I have a very poor performance and even uttered, “ayusin mo trabaho mo.” She told me this is the second time. Yes, I admit that. Because the other one was committed last year and I did make up for it after that. There was a quarter when I was mentioned one among the 3 analysts who did a great job in RNS updates. She told me there are no clean slate in the company. That every time you commit a mistake it would be brought up to you over and over again though it was last year or last 2 years. I didn’t say a word about that remark. I was hurt for there are no second chances in this company. I told her maybe I couldn’t handle the bulk of other tasks given to me. That I couldn’t focus anymore doing a lot of processes and other tasks. She told me in this company we have to learn multi-task and that we’re working here like pilots. I said to myself what about the things you couldn’t handle anymore? Should we force ourselves and carry the burden? We are not allowed to make mistakes. I was even terrified when she told me that my global error could lead to grounds for termination. I was trying to hold back my tears that time but I couldn’t. I know feeling that way would cause trouble on my health, especially to the baby inside me. That was the first time I cried so hard in front of her. The first time I cried so hard since I got pregnant. I felt like I haven’t done anything good for the company. I felt humiliated and demoralized. I felt like all this years I’ve done everything for nothing. It was too unfair.

I also want to site the factor that they have appointed me to a new role which is the Acquisition Team but still do the responsibilities I’m previously doing. Being part of the Acquisition Team meant as a promotion. So I was delighted for the fact that I was chosen. I have put my knowledge and effort since the start of the training and though it affected the production I’ve been producing before accepting that role I still gave my best to perform well for the new role that was given to me. Late this year I was informed that I wouldn’t be able to get the increase meant for it. For the reason of not attaining Fully-Achieved in my OPM last year. It was again too unfair because I DID NOT APPLY for the role, they APPOINTED me. So the only deal they gave me is to attain Fully-Achieve in my OPM this year which I could only get the Increase next year, when all the while I’m already working on the new role’s responsibility. Again I’m doing everything for nothing. But then though it’s unfair on my part I have accepted the deal. I have tried my best to still do all the 5 different processes (S793, Disk and Baclites, Annual Report, RNS and the new role, acquiring of the reports). So to Fully-Achieved the OPM this year I have to meet the production volume and quality required and still do the new role appointed to me. I had a hard time meeting the quality of work. I have compared the brain like the stomach, where you could put everything on it but it could only digest enough. It was one of the factor why I was having a hard time coping up with the quality especially that I’m pregnant right now. That I could only take as much according to the capability of my brain and strength. I had to be in a bed rest last Friday after the Thursday incident because that night I felt a sudden abdominal pain. On the 28th I would be undergoing into an Admin Hearing which Joseph informed me Saturday afternoon. I have thought why this was sensationalized when we could talk and resolve this within the team. They haven’t thought of considering that I’m pregnant, that it would’ve been not reached the level of Admin Hearing where it could possibly cause too much stress on me. I felt bad for having to look up to these Immediate Managers where they should have helped me improve my quality, guide me as a teacher instead of pointing this in front of me that makes me feel humiliated. Isn’t a little consideration too much to ask? This shouldn’t came to a point where people who make mistakes should be ridiculed or just point fingers only to them.

I’m ready on the 28th, I’m ready to fight for my right and I’m even considering to seek advice from a Labor Lawyer which my family suggested. Wish me luck.

Priceless

I had my second pre natal check-up this morning. I’ve been looking forward to this scheduled check-up because my doctor told me last time that at 12 weeks we would be able to hear the baby’s heart beat. The first time I saw my baby with a fast heart beat in the tv monitor when I had my first ultra sound was one of the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. But this time when I first heard my baby’s heart beat,  I was delighted. As I’ve described it in my facebook profile, that was one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard. That one was topping the chart. One of the greatest moments that money can’t buy. =)

Furious to the nth level

Recently, I received a text from Penny (a friend of mine and Will’s cousin). She forwarded a text of Will which really made me very furious. Here’s the exact words that I still remember, “Siguro nga totoo ang sabi ng mga tao na di ko anak yun. Baka sa ibang bf yun ni YL.”

After reading that, sobra yung galit na naramdaman ko. All this time siya pa may gana magsabi ng ganyan? I never obliged him of his responsibility as a father of my baby but I was hoping that he would own up his responsibilities kahit na hindi kami. At least be man enough. Sinolo ko ang reponsibilidad tapos ako pa ang palalabasin na masama? Shame on you! Nakakahiya sa baby ko na ang tatay niya eh walang kasing kapal ng mukha. Para maligtas siya sa responsibilidad ikininakalat niya sa mga tao na hindi sa kanya ang baby ko. Anong klaseng lalake yan? Di bale naniniwala ako sa power ng karma at sana bilisan niya.

New life

It’s been a while. For the past few weeks so many things have happened. I’m ready to spill the news.

I’m 7 weeks pregnant.

I went to Makati Med the day I took the pregnancy test. I went there with my 2 sisters. They informed me that I’m pregnant and that I should take the ultrasound asap to know the baby’s heartbeat. The next two days I was in Manila Adventist Hospital to take the ultrasound and various blood tests. The moment I saw the baby’s heartbeat is something I could not explain. The doctor said the baby’s heart rate is 126 bpm. Which is twice of a person’s normal heart rate. I’m just so grateful that the baby is real. That I’m becoming a mother in 9 months time. And since that day I know that I love him/her already.

I’m proud to say that I chose to be a single mom. I already informed Will about it and he can’t answer if he can support the baby financially. I’ve decided not to talk much about him for now. I’m not allowed to get mad. I’m just happy that my family and (some) friends supports and believes me. I’m excited and a bit nervous for the new life that I’m taking. But hearing my loved ones say that “We’ll be with you in your journey” is something that makes me so happy and teary-eyed as well. I’m so much excited to meet him/her on February. I’m now ready to take this challenge. And also ready to be judged or accepted.

One Thing I Learned…

I know people would definitely ask what have happened. What have happened when we look so good together? Let’s just say I didn’t really fell for him. For the past few weeks I tried and weigh things. After all the thinking and piling up of things I came to this point were I have to decide what’s good for the both of us. I think the best thing I’ve ever done here is being honest about the whole reason of breaking up with him. One thing I’ve learned in relationships is to love yourself first and with those 3 months I missed myself. I’m not just the type who just revolves my life to someone. That is something I’d try not to happen again. I want to share my world not only with the right one but with my friends and family as well. As they always say, “You’ll never know what will happen tomorrow.” So the next time I fall in love again I’d definitely be true to him and I’ll keep a certain percentage of love for myself just what I did last time. I have no regrets. I’m proud to say that this one’s a very mature and tough decision I’ve ever made.

Love yourself first

We’re over. It’s a tough and mature decision to make. I thought I’d be able to love him more than that. I thought I’d be happy. But to be fair he’s been so nice and loving to me. I guess he’s not just the right guy. Maybe I’m just not that into him and being honest to him and to myself is the best and the right thing to do. “Love youself first” as the saying goes.

Don’t worry friends as what I’m always saying, “I’m more than okay.”

Received from a forwarded text

“It’s really hard to hold on to the feelings that you always hold on to, to treat someone as an ordinary person where in fact they’re very special, to move on your own with an empty heart, to smile even if deep inside you are in pain, to let go of the person you wanted to be with, to accept the reality that you are never meant to be,

to give up everything even if you still wanted to try….”

 

 

I think that’s a perfect example of being stubborn.

Love the one you’re with

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve just finished reading Emily Giffin’s book this early afternoon before coming in the office and while having my pedicure. Thanks to Jeru for waking up my interest in reading books again. Which I used to do last 2 years.

This recent book I’ve just read from Emily is somehow related to what I’m going through these past few months (or was it even a year now?) As you all know I’m not good on dealing my past. Might be because I’m not good on closures. Closures I would’ve done long before. Maybe I couldn’t bare confrontation. I’m coward when it comes to this. I don’t even know how to start it. What lines should I use. Should I e-mail? Leave a message in Friendster? Facebook? Yahoo Messenger? Or just text it? I’m afraid of bringing it up again and end up hearing these words, “Why the hell just now?”, “Is it really necessary to talk about this?”, “What for?”

I sound like a desperate woman. I shouldn’t be feeling this when I’m currently with Will right now. I’ve already made a choice. Which I know in my heart and mind that this is the right thing to do. I’m giving him all the chance and doing my part to slowly fall in love with him (head over heels). I know I’ll get there. I guess only time will tell.

1 month and counting…… and fingers crossed

It’s been a month and I’m glad William and I are still together. For the past few days, I’ve been through a lot of mixed emotions. Happy, Sad, Confused and Irritated (including those I can’t name emotions). There are times when I want to quit and give him up for some reasons. One of the reasons? I’m confused. At first I thought I love him. I don’t mean that I don’t love him. I do have feelings for him but not as much as I felt when I was with my previous ex’s. So yeah, I’m weighing things and comparing (Do you think it’s bad?). But to be fair enough I could say he’s the sweetest. That’s why I’m not quitting. Maybe we could work this out, or “I” could work this out. Maybe I used to love guys who doesn’t care enough for me, who texts and give a call once in a blue moon, who acts mysterious.

Lawrence made a bet that we can’t make it in 6 months time. I’m hoping and keeping my fingers crossed that this would last.

Have I told you that my ex is making a scene lately? After leaving without saying goodbye, he suddenly made a comment on my facebook profile. Life is really a roller coaster!